When we think about a child who is emotionally dysregulated, we tend to picture something we can see: meltdowns, anger, shouting, tears, refusal. But emotional dysregulation isn’t always noisy. Mine wasn’t and neither was my son’s.
Some neurodivergent children become very good at holding things together, particularly in environments such as school where there are clear expectations about how they should behave. They might be bright, capable, conscientious and desperate to get things right. They may be doing well academically. School may tell you they have no concerns.
And yet something still doesn’t feel quite right.
The difficulty is that we often don’t recognise a child is struggling until their distress becomes visible. But I’ve come to learn that there are signs much earlier if we know what we’re looking for.
Here are five that I encourage parents to notice.
1. They are increasingly perfectionistic
Perfectionism can look like a child who is simply very motivated to do well. This was me. But look a little closer.
Do they become disproportionately upset by mistakes? Avoid trying something unless they know they can do it? Rip up work that isn’t quite right? Need constant reassurance? Spend far longer on homework than the task should reasonably require?
For some neurodivergent children, perfectionism becomes a way of creating safety. If they already feel as though they are getting things wrong socially, organisationally or emotionally, getting the things they can control absolutely right can become incredibly important.
The problem is that maintaining those standards uses enormous amounts of energy.
Instead of simply reassuring them that their work is great, get curious about what getting it wrong means to them. Praise experimenting, changing direction, asking for help and recovering from mistakes, not just the polished end result.
2. They need more control at home
This was my son. A child who has spent all day following instructions, navigating social expectations, managing sensory input and adapting to other people’s demands may come home with very little flexibility left.
Suddenly the wrong cup matters enormously.
Plans changing becomes unbearable.
A sibling sitting in their usual place can trigger an argument.
It is easy to interpret this as difficult or controlling behaviour, particularly when you’ve just been told they’ve been absolutely fine all day.
But sometimes an increased need for control is a sign that a child’s capacity for dealing with uncertainty has been used up.
That doesn’t mean they get to control the whole family. It means we recognise what may be driving the behaviour and reduce unnecessary demands and decisions while their system recovers.
Predictability can help too. Knowing what is happening after school, having some control over how they decompress and avoiding a barrage of questions the moment they walk through the door can all make the transition home easier.
3. Their body starts telling you something is wrong
Children don’t always have the language to tell us they are overwhelmed.
Sometimes their body does it for them.
Headaches. Stomach aches. Feeling sick before school. Difficulty sleeping. Exhaustion. Changes in appetite. Increased sensitivity to noise, clothes or touch.
Physical symptoms are real and should always be taken seriously and medically investigated where appropriate. But when there isn’t an obvious physical explanation, it is also worth looking at what is happening around the symptom.
Does the stomach ache appear on school mornings but disappear at weekends?
Are headaches worse after particularly demanding days?
Are they completely exhausted after apparently coping well at school?
Rather than assuming they are trying to avoid something, ask what their body might be communicating.
4. They start avoiding things they could previously do
This is one I think we need to be particularly careful with.
A child suddenly refusing school, homework, clubs, social events or activities they previously managed can easily be interpreted as becoming less resilient.
But capacity changes.
Something a child can do isn’t necessarily something they can keep doing indefinitely at the same cost.
Avoidance can sometimes be the nervous system’s way of saying I don’t have enough capacity for this anymore.
So before increasing pressure, consequences or rewards, ask what has changed.
Have demands increased? Are friendships becoming more complicated? Is schoolwork harder? Are they sleeping badly? Are they masking more? Has something that was manageable simply been taking too much out of them for too long?
The aim isn’t to remove every difficult thing from a child’s life. It is to understand the barrier before deciding how to help them through it.
5. They’re fine at school, but fall apart at home
This is one I hear from parents all the time.
School sees a polite, engaged child who follows instructions and gets on with their work.
Home sees tears, anger, shutdown, arguments, exhaustion or a child who cannot cope with one more tiny demand.
Both versions of the child can be real.
A child being able to hold themselves together at school does not necessarily mean school is easy for them. It may tell us how much effort they are putting into coping there.
Home is often the place where children finally feel safe enough to stop holding everything in.
So we need to create a space and routine for regulating downtime before we ask more of them.
Look underneath the behaviour
None of these signs, on their own, proves that a child is emotionally dysregulated or masking. Children can be perfectionistic, tired, controlling, avoidant or emotional for all sorts of reasons.
What matters is noticing patterns and changes.
Is this happening more often? Is their world getting smaller? Are things taking more out of them than they used to? Are they spending increasing amounts of time recovering from ordinary demands?
And perhaps most importantly: are we waiting for a child to visibly fall apart before we accept that something is difficult?
When we stop seeing behaviour simply as something to manage and start becoming curious about what might be underneath it, we can often support children much earlier.
Because coping and thriving are not the same thing and I want better for our neurodivergent children than just coping.
A neurodivergent child shouldn’t have to reach the point where they can no longer hold everything together before we recognise how hard they have been working to appear fine.
About the Author
Charlotte MacDougall is a neurodivergence specialist, ADHD coach, specialist dyslexia teacher and assessor, and founder of Nurture & Thrive. A former school leader with more than 15 years’ experience in education, she combines professional expertise with lived experience as an AuDHD adult and mum to neurodivergent children.
Find out more about Charlotte at www.nurtureandthrive.co.uk
Charlotte is also the author of Reclaiming the Narrative & Thriving with SEND: Rethinking Success for Young Neurodivergent Minds which is available at Amazon