By Belinda Jane Batt, Author of Challenge Your Guilt: How to Flourish in Motherhood, Work and Life
Mum guilt. That gnawing, low-level hum of “not good enough.” The feeling that creeps in when your child is glued to the iPad and dinner’s coming out of the freezer again. When you miss a school assembly for a work meeting. When you crave a break and wonder if that makes you a bad mother.
If this feels familiar, know this: you are not alone – and you’re not doing anything wrong.
I’ve spent years experiencing and researching maternal guilt, and what I’ve come to understand is this: most of the guilt modern mothers feel is not ours. It has been culturally and socially conditioned into us by a society that sets impossible standards for motherhood while offering very little real support.
So how do we start to untangle ourselves from this guilt?
Here are three simple, powerful questions to ask yourself the next time mum guilt strikes
1. Whose voice is this guilt speaking in?
One of the most transformative tools I use in my coaching work – and in my own life – is this question.
Often, when guilt creeps in, it’s not coming from our own values or instincts. It’s an echo of someone else’s expectations: a well-meaning relative, a parenting book, a friend, a cultural narrative. These external voices have a way of lodging in our subconscious and shaping our inner dialogue without us even realising it.
Take a moment to pause and ask: Whose voice is this? Is this a belief I truly hold – or one I’ve inherited or absorbed over time?
This simple act of inquiry creates space. It helps you separate yourself from the guilt and look at it more objectively. And it’s often the first step to letting it go.
2. Is this helpful or unhelpful guilt?
Not all guilt is bad. Guilt can serve a purpose – when it’s rooted in our core values.
I call this helpful guilt. It might arise when we’ve acted out of alignment with what matters most to us. For example, if I snap at my child in the heat of a stressful moment and later feel guilt, that’s my internal compass nudging me to reconnect and repair.
But much of the guilt mothers carry is unhelpful guilt. It stems from unrealistic, externally imposed standards – like believing you’re a bad mum for giving your child screen time so you can have a moment to yourself. That’s not a failure. That’s being human.
Next time guilt hits, ask yourself: Is this guilt helping me grow, repair or realign? Or is it keeping me stuck in shame and self-judgment?
If it’s the latter, give yourself permission to let it go.
3. What do I need right now?
So often, guilt shows up as a signal that our own needs are not being met.
As mothers, we are socially conditioned to put everyone else first – to care, give, nurture, and sacrifice. But when we deny our own needs for rest, connection, space, or purpose, we become depleted. And in that state, guilt thrives.
Asking “What do I need right now?” isn’t selfish – it’s essential. Whether the answer is five minutes of quiet, a cry, a conversation with someone who gets it, or just a deep breath and a kind word to yourself, meeting your own needs is an act of self love. Not just for you, but for your whole family.
In Summary
Guilt will show up in motherhood, work and life. But with these questions in your back pocket, you can learn to meet it with curiosity and compassion rather than self-judgment.
Whose voice is this guilt speaking in?
Is it helpful or unhelpful guilt?
What do I need right now?
As I say in my book, we don’t need to be guilt-free to flourish – but we do need tools to challenge the guilt when it shows up.
You are doing your best. And that is more than enough.