Well before you ‘manage’ them you need to understand them, you also need to know that your child is not having a meltdown purposely to annoy you, nor are they being ‘naughty’.
Let’s just think about the word ‘naughty’ for a minute. What picture does it conjure up in your mind? Does it say ‘disobedience’? Where did your view of disobedience come from? What were your parents view of disobedience and how was it responded to? If you spend some time thinking about this, the chances are your responses are linking to your childhood experiences. So, you’re likely to get triggered when your child has a meltdown in public.
Some other questions to think about before putting ideas or mechanisms into practice.
- When you think about how others see you, what’s important to you?
- How confident do you feel asserting yourself?
- What makes you feel shame?
- How do you respond when your child says ‘I hate you’? Does it leave you feeling attacked? Or can you step into their world and acknowledge their feelings?
- How confident do you feel in thinking and talking about your own feelings?
Okay, so now you’ve spent some time thinking about these things…& even writing down your thoughts…you might be wondering why I asked you to think about them.
Well in psychoanalytic psychotherapy the way we were responded to as children…and actually in neuroscience too…impact the way we learn and eventually respond to our own children. So if we understand ourselves more we understand our children more which in turn means we can respond differently.
Now…onto the behaviour!
Children are rarely being naughty or defiant, they’re much more likely becoming both overwhelmed and unable to manage and contain their emotions. So here’s the science’y’ bit. Our brains have a left and right side. The left is Logical, likes language, lists, organisation. The right side is all about feelings and emotions. To have a rational discussion both left and right brain need to be working together but the reality is, once the brain becomes overwhelmed the left side shuts down…because the right side has completely flooded the left side with emotions. So all the child can do in that moment is FEEL! They cannot think or process…which makes complete sense really. In caveman days our brains didn’t have the luxury of stopping and thinking about what to do. If a sabor tooth tiger was at the opening to your cave, you had a second to act, and unfortunately the brain just hadn’t evolved to understand their is no sabor toothed tiger anymore, so we’re still operating on a primitive brain.
So think: what is it that your child is becoming overwhelmed by? Tired? Hungry? Frustrated? Can’t make sense of? Or is it your response? I know that if I was feeling stressed and irritable my child would inevitably spend the day pressing my buttons…but if I was calm and relaxed so would they be.
The reality is our children are relational beings and nothing happens in a vacuum! Once we accept and acknowledge our part in our child’s environment things can, will and do change.
So now, what can you actually do to manage a meltdown? And it isn’t ‘ignoring’ it, but it might involve distraction, acknowledging the feeling, patience, love, care and understanding.
Here are 5 things to try
Firstly
- Acknowledge how it’s making you feel
- Are you more worried about people’s opinions in that moment
- Do you feel embarrassed?
- When have you felt this way before
- What do you want the outcome to be?
Okay….so now
- Breathe! Give yourself a second to contain yourself
- Wonder where your child’s feeling has come from
- Think about what you know about your child and what offers comfort to them
- Acknowledge that your child is having a big feeling. You could say something like ‘goodness that’s a big feeling’. Or ‘that big feeling is making you feel…cross, upset, annoyed etc’
- If necessary sit on the floor near to them and be present, you can do this by just being there but also by saying things like ‘it’s really difficult to feel the way you do right now’ ‘I’m not sure you know why you feel the way you do but I can see it’s really tough’
- Wait it out, take deep breaths and try to remain calm
- Have sentences to say to passers by who might have a comment to make! You could have a sentence such as ‘my child is struggling right now but I’m managing it thank you’ you can repeat this as much as you need to. You don’t need a detailed conversation or ‘reason’ just be confident – practice in the mirror! It’s not rude, it’s assertive.
- And finally, once your child has calmed down then is not the time to ‘talk’ about it. Children aren’t mini adults! They need containment and processing time. Asking ‘why did you do that’ won’t give you the answer you want nor will it stop them having a meltdown on another day! It’s part of ordinary childhood development, they need to go through it and they need to develop ways, with your help, to contain and manage these feelings to develop resilience.
About the author
Charlotte Cook is a Doctoral trainee in child and adolescent psychotherapy based in South Wales, with over 25 years experience working with children, young people and families. Through The Thinking Pod, she helps parents and children understand their emotional world using psychodynamic thinking to turn everyday struggles into opportunities for connection and growth. Charlotte is passionate about making complex ideas about children’s mental health accessible and practical for real family life.