Children do not always look anxious when they are anxious.
We often imagine anxiety as a child crying, panicking or saying, “I’m scared.” Sometimes it does look like that.
But sometimes it looks like anger.
A tummy ache.
Perfectionism.
Constantly asking what is happening next.
Refusing something they enjoyed last week.
Or a child who appears completely fine at school and then falls apart when they get home.
Some worry is a normal part of childhood. Starting a new school, taking a test, joining a new club or being away from a parent can all bring anxious feelings.
The point to notice is when worries become very strong, keep happening, get worse or begin interfering with everyday life.
Here are seven signs worth paying attention to.
1. They regularly complain of tummy aches, headaches or feeling sick
Anxiety does not only happen in our thoughts. Children can feel it physically.
You might hear:
“My tummy hurts.”
“I feel sick.”
“My head hurts.”
“I need the toilet again.”
Sometimes this happens particularly before school, parties, clubs, appointments or unfamiliar situations.
Of course, physical symptoms should not automatically be assumed to be anxiety. If you are concerned about your child’s health, speak to your GP.
But if there is a repeated pattern around particular situations, get curious about what might be happening emotionally too.
Instead of immediately saying, “There’s nothing wrong with you,” try:
“I’ve noticed your tummy seems to hurt before school. I wonder if there’s something about school that’s feeling difficult now?”
2. They need lots of reassurance
“Are you definitely picking me up?”
“What time?”
“Who will be there?”
“Are you sure?”
“But what if…?”
Some children manage anxiety by repeatedly trying to remove uncertainty.
They might ask the same question several times even though you have already answered it.
They may need detailed information about plans, struggle with last-minute changes or repeatedly check that everything is going to be okay.
Reassurance-seeking can be one way anxiety presents.
It can be tempting to keep providing more reassurance, but it can also help to gradually build your child’s confidence in managing uncertainty.
Try acknowledging the feeling first:
“I can see not knowing exactly what will happen is making you worried. Let’s think about what we do know.”
3. Their anxiety comes out as anger
This one catches many parents out.
An anxious child does not necessarily look frightened.
They might look furious.
You may see irritability, shouting, arguing, snapping, crying or a much bigger emotional reaction than you expected.
NHS guidance specifically lists irritability and angry outbursts among possible signs of anxiety in children.
This is where one of our core principles at Tiny Tools for Big Feelings is useful:
Behaviour is communication.
Rather than only asking, “How do I stop this behaviour?”, it can help to also ask:
“What might this behaviour be telling me?”
At Tiny Tools, we support children and families with anxiety and emotional regulation through practical, early-intervention support. You can find more information and free resources at Tiny Tools for Big Feelings.
That does not mean children never need boundaries.
It means we can hold boundaries and try to understand what the behaviour is underneath.
4. They seem fine all day then fall apart at home
You collect them from school.
The teacher says they have had a lovely day.
Ten minutes later, everything goes wrong.
The shoes are wrong.
Their sibling speaks.
Dinner is unacceptable.
They cry, shout, retreat to their room or seem completely overwhelmed.
That does not necessarily mean they have been “putting it on” at home.
Some children work incredibly hard to manage during the day and release their emotions when they return to the place where they feel safest.
This can be particularly important to notice when there is a big difference between what school sees and what you see at home.
Do not get stuck arguing over which version of the child is the “real” one.
Both can be real.
Instead, look for patterns.
What demands has your child managed that day?
Were there social pressures?
Noise?
Changes?
Uncertainty?
Have they eaten?
Are they exhausted?
The behaviour after school may be giving you useful information about how much effort the day has required.
5. They start avoiding things
Avoidance is one of the biggest signs to watch.
A child might suddenly stop wanting to:
- go to school
- attend a club
- see friends
- sleep alone
- go somewhere without you
- try something new
- answer questions in class
- attend parties
- use public transport
- take part in activities they previously enjoyed
Avoidance is not always defiance.
Sometimes “I won’t” means “I don’t feel able to.”
That distinction matters.
Rather than forcing a huge leap, think about the smallest manageable step that allows your child to experience success.
6. They become extremely worried about getting things wrong
Some anxious children are not the ones getting into trouble.
They are the ones desperately trying to get everything right.
They may:
- become very upset by mistakes
- constantly check their work
- worry about disappointing teachers or parents
- avoid trying unless they know they will succeed
- compare themselves with others
- say things such as “I’m stupid” or “I’m going to mess it up”
- need everything to feel perfect
A child who is achieving well can still be struggling emotionally.
In fact, their determination to avoid mistakes may be part of what is making their anxiety harder to spot.
Make sure your child hears messages about effort, curiosity and learning, not only achievement.
They need to know that getting something wrong is safe.
7. Something about your child has simply changed
Sometimes there is no dramatic warning sign.
You just notice they are different.
They are quieter.
More tired.
Clingier.
Sleeping badly.
Eating differently.
Less interested in friends.
Less confident.
Finding everyday things harder.
You know your child.
You do not need to wait for them to use the word “anxiety” before starting a conversation.
Children often do not have the vocabulary to explain what is happening inside them.
Try:
“I’ve noticed you don’t seem quite yourself lately. You don’t have to explain everything now, but I’m here if something is feeling difficult.”
Then listen.
You do not need to immediately solve it.
So when should you get extra help?
An anxious moment does not automatically mean your child has an anxiety disorder.
Worry is part of being human.
Look instead at intensity, frequency and impact.
Is it getting stronger?
Has it lasted for a while?
Is it interfering with school, friendships, sleep, family life or activities they usually enjoy?
Is your child increasingly avoiding everyday situations?
Most importantly, do not wait for your child to become completely overwhelmed before taking their feelings seriously.
Early support does not mean labelling a child.
It means noticing.
Listening.
Getting curious about what their behaviour might be communicating.
And helping them develop the tools and trusted relationships they need to understand their feelings.
Sometimes the child who appears to be coping beautifully is working the hardest of all.
And every child deserves somebody who looks beyond “They seem fine” and asks:
“But how do they actually feel?”
About the author
Carly Openshaw is the founder of Tiny Tools for Big Feelings helping parents and children navigate big emotions with simple, practical tools and strategies. Passionate about supporting families, Carly believes that understanding emotions, building connection and having the right tools can make everyday parenting challenges feel a little more manageable.